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I don’t think I need to say this, but breakups suck. I would 0/10 recommend having your heart being broken. People should come with a warning label. But for real, breakups are the worst and there’s no way to sugarcoat them. If anyone can attest to this, it’s me. I was engaged, now I’m not. I moved out of the house we shared. Having someone tell you they don’t see a future with you anymore is painful.
I drove to my parents house and thought I was going to die. I was in such denial and it hurt so bad.
I couldn’t sleep. It felt like my heart was pounding so hard it would kill me. It’s indescribable and I would never wish it upon anyone. I had people tell me that it gets better. But I couldn’t comprehend how anyone else had felt it. Like Brad and Jen didn’t feel pain this deeply.
You feel like you’re the only one going through it when you go through a breakup. It’s not the most fun topic, it’s definitely not sexy. But looking inward is important. So as your big sis, here’s how I got through my breakup.
Sit With Your Emotions
It’s okay to be angry, empty, devastated, confused. Take a moment to breathe. It’s okay to not be okay. The moment you try to push through a breakup you are not helping yourself.
Slow down, breathe, and sit with your feelings. Because you’re going to have to sit with them for a while. Maybe this person wasn’t in your life for a long period of time, but you felt a deep connection. I don’t care if you’re 15 or 50, it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to try to sort through what you’re going through.
Ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?”
You might realize that the person who I thought I was with is the reason I’m upset. Not the actual behaviors or how they treated you.
As much as breakups hurt, you have to understand that if someone doesn’t want to be with you… take that at face value. If someone wants to pursue you, they’ll pursue you. If they don’t want to, say thank you and move on. You get to find someone who wants more of you, not someone who is overwhelmed by you.
Find Your People
I’m so grateful that I have great friends. Truthfully, I’m friends with a very small group of people. There are less than 10 people who I tell everything to. But I know everything about them and vise versa. I’m not a person who wants to go to the bar and make friends with a thousand people. I’d much rather go get a pint of ice cream and talk about fears (is that weird?!)
When the breakup happened, I went over to my friend Kelsie’s house. I sat on her couch and just couldn’t process anything. But she was there the entire time and just sat with me.
I had friends who consistently texted me reminding me that I got up, I got out of bed, I ate breakfast, I did things without him.
Find your people. You can’t do a breakup by yourself.
I had good friends, two therapists, my church, and my family. I found my people and I clung to them.
And if you’ve isolated yourself because of the relationship that you’re in, it’s okay to have to reach back out to people. I had to do that. I was with someone for 5 years and I didn’t want them to think I had put people above him. It hurt a lot of relationships and I had to own up to how I treated people. I’m not proud of it, but just know that you’re not a horrible person if this is something you’re experiencing.
Don’t Communicate With Them
They do not deserve you. If someone chooses to not be with you, that’s a choice. You also have the choice to not communicate with them.
I didn’t. This is your big sis talking. I was desperate and I thought I could fix things. So anytime they asked to hangout, I went over to our house. Anytime he wanted to text me because he was lonely, I answered. People told me to stop, but I physically felt like I couldn’t. How could I get through the day if he didn’t know what I had eaten for breakfast?!
But finally it clicked. I remember texting him, “I can’t communicate with you anymore, because it kills me every time to know you’re not going to come back to me.” That was the last time we talked. I realized my worth. I realized I was communicating with someone who had no intention of fixing things. It wasn’t going to heal me, it was a temporary solution for a permanent problem.
Truthfully, I was wasting my time.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve to feel like that person wants you. If they wanted you, they’d be with you. They wouldn’t have broken up with you. It sucks to hear it, but they don’t want you anymore. They want a quick fix for a temporary feeling they’re not comfortable being with. And that’s on them. It was never your problem to fix in the beginning. You can’t fix someone and they can’t fix you.
If someone is trying to communicate with you after a breakup, cut the ties. Do yourself a favor. They don’t deserve you.
Give Yourself Grace
I grew up with an amazing big brother. I look up to him in so many ways. And as much as I love him, I have to remind myself that his relationship is incredibly unique. You see, Brett married his high school sweetheart Alice. They were literally prom king and queen. They’ve been together for what feels like a billion years. As much as I look up to them and their relationship, I realized I had put them on a pedastle.
When I couldn’t find someone I was going to marry in high school or college, I felt like I was failing. I was comparing my situation to someone else’s.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is you have to give yourself grace. You can’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s. You’re human. You were in a relationship and now you’re not. It hurts, but it’s not someone else’s situation.
Some Tough Love
You probably feel like you’re the problem. You’re watching TikTok videos, scrolling Pinterest for motivational quotes. But realize that a relationship is two people. Two people that have to put in the same amount of effort, trust, commitment to make it work. And when it doesn’t work, it’s typically for the best. Which is what you deserve.
You deserve the best. You deserve to be loved. To be wanted, to be needed by someone. And if that’s no longer what you’re getting or what they’re willing to give you, thank them. Because you have the opportunity to move on to something and someone better.
Some tough love: you need to put on sweatpants, blast some Taylor Swift breakup playlists on Spotify, eat ice cream, drink wine (if you’re old enough!), and cry it out. You’re worth it, breakups suck, but you’re going to get through this. It gets better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a month, it might still hurt in a year. It still hurts after 8 months. But it gets better and easier every single day.
You can do it, I did it. If you need me, send me a DM. But you deserve better, period.