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It’s easy to talk about something we’ve gone through, but when you’re going through it…? Not so much. Today’s episode is about embracing the middle of your story and continuing to go on· because you deserve it.
Hard Seasons
It has been such a hard season for me. Truly just so much more difficult than I want to admit. A lot has happened with family, friends, finances, health, just like… a lot has happened. I’m recording this on the two year mark of my engagement ending.
I’m not sad about it, but there’s a weird sense of being told you’d be married when you’re worthy and never getting it from that person— it’s hard to process. Had we have gotten married, tomorrow would’ve been our 5-year wedding anniversary.
(For context because this is SO confusing: we started dating, got engaged, planned a wedding, canceled the wedding, stayed engaged for however many extra years…)
I couldn’t sleep and I felt like I just needed to talk about this messy season. There has been a lot of great changes with some of the people being the biggest blessings I’ve ever experienced. But, it’s been hard. I’ve talked about it on other episodes, but it’s hard for me to want to talk about the middle. I don’t feel like I’m giving a roadmap when I’m still in that place.
But, maybe I’m in this place for longer than I had hoped for because these are the things I’m supposed to be sharing.
Messy Feels Vulnerable
I was talking to my friend Jenn (she’s a therapist!) and how my fear has made it hard to want to record. I’m an enneagram 3 and I like to control how people view me. It feels validating to appear like I have it together. To admit to the messiness feels vulnerable… which I’m not super great at. I’m an open book, but I don’t always feel vulnerable.
A lot of what I share probably appears vulnerable, but I’m able to disassociate from a lot of what I talk about because I’m far enough removed from it. It doesn’t feel like I’m sharing the messy, but what I’ve cleaned up already.
So to have all this disorganization and a podcast where I’m supposed to give advice… it doesn’t feel right to share that I’m a hot mess. But that’s fear speaking. This is a podcast where we talk about everything— including the things that aren’t fun, sexy, and glamorous.
Life is Fragile
September 20th marks 8 years since I was sexually assaulted on my college campus. I talk about it more in depth HERE! But this week is a week I’ve grown to anticipate in the most Dooms Day prepping vibes, ever. I actively warn friends and family that September is hard. I warn them that I won’t be myself and in a harder season.
I don’t mind opposition. It challenges you and you grow as a person, but this week has been really hard. Layer in that we never had a wedding, I was told I’d be married when worthy, then we never had a wedding, and that same week my engagement ended… which I’m grateful it did. I can honestly say I wish them the best regardless of how they treated me. And how they let others treat me.
I say this with no venom in my heart. There’s some pain, but I don’t wish it on them.
But on top of all these things I was already dreading, I had a classmate pass away. I graduated in 2013 from high school. It doesn’t make sense how a 28-year old deserves to not live out the life they should’ve experienced. My graduating class was incredibly small (like 94 people, small!) and this is the first person we’ve lost. We’re all kind of in shock.
It puts life into perspective and you realize how fragile it is. It’s so easy to forget to nurture the relationships you do have in your life. As we try to memorialize our classmate, we’ve also been talking about how undeserving they were.
So yeah, this week has been hard. Extra, extra hard. It’s been hard to want to share my life lately and let them in. It feels so much more vulnerable than sharing things that are over and done with.
Anyways, Jenn was saying it’s my responsibility to share that messy middle and tell people how I’m feeling. If I don’t share it, I’m doing them and myself a disservice of not showing how resilient we can be. How we can show up when it’s messy. And it’s messy right now.
This is my fifth move in two years. A lot of my friendships look extremely different than they used to. I’ve lost friends and friendships, obviously a fiancé, jobs, etc. I live in a new part of the country that I’m still trying to get used to.
But I don’t want to hide my garbage anymore. I know that when I show up, even on the painful days that I want to hide and keep away, those are the days I need to show up most. That’s not pushing through when I need breaks, but recognizing my messy is similar to yours.
Seasons and Cycles
We forget that there are cycles even in nature. Trees lose leaves and they regrow. That cycle keeps happening. It’s so easy to feel stagnant when you’re in the middle. This isn’t a sign to embrace situations that you shouldn’t be in. Any form of harm that is happening isn’t a situation to tell yourself it will get better. It doesn’t, don’t embrace it. If you have a gut check, listen to it!
If you’re in a hard season, but you know you’re on the cusp of something better… know that you don’t have to have all the answers. The only answer is to let yourself embrace it and figure out what you’ll take into the next season.
Not Giving Up
It won’t always be fun, glamorous, and sexy. Things can hurt. Looking back on the 2 years since the engagement ended, 8 years of the assault, 15 years since I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease— I can look back at those middle moments and be so grateful I didn’t give up in the messy.
Life is A Long, Long Roadtrip
My previous therapist Cindy once said, “You could go from the East to West coast going as fast as possible. Go from point A to point B with no stops. Or you could slow down. You could find the best pie, stop at the scenic overlooks, stay at the weird little motels, and do all the touristy things people miss. You can do more than going, going, going constantly. And at the end, you’ll still get to your destination and enjoy life along the way. Let yourself experience the moment, experience the messy. You’ll look back and realize how beautiful the journey was. Don’t drive overnight, straight through, no stops, getting to the final destination exhausted.”
The messy is hard, but there have been some really great “scenic overlooks”, too. I’ve been able to meet new people this season, start a new job that I didn’t feel qualified for, start a podcast…
Me losing my fiancé brought me to South Carolina. Me being assaulted (while I still grieve the entire process), I made some of the greatest friends out of it. My Lyme disease has been challenging, but it’s given me a perspective that life is short and health is a gift not everyone experiences.
All of these “pit stops” and “road trips” within my life have taught me about embracing the messy. Being able to recognize when seasons are hard, being able to let go, being able to tell myself that grief doesn’t mean I regret this life.
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