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For starters, my apartment doesn’t have a/c right now. It’s pretty dang hot. Charleston in the summer isn’t where you want zero air conditioning. The thermostat downstairs reads 85, but upstairs is at least 10 degrees warmer. So yeah, it’s hot! I’m dripping sweat and miserable.

Also I’m pretty sure my neighbors are playing the bongos. They’re in college, but it’s a little loud. They don’t have a ton of rhythm— but it’s been fun.

For Starters

I’ve been in a weird funk and I don’t know where it stems from. I’m trying to process a lot, work through my engagement ending, navigate moving across the country. But the past few weeks everything just hit the fan. It’s been hard.

If I’m being honest, I don’t feel like myself. The past month has been hard.

Loneliness

You can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. I figured if I’m going through it, someone else probably is, too.

When I say that I’m lonely, I don’t mean that I don’t have great people in my life. I have family, friends, and people supporting me. But at the end of the day, I feel alone. And I feel isolated. But I did move 1,200 miles from everything and everyone I’ve ever known.

My entire identity had been wrapped in a geographical location. I was Jordi and I was from the Midwest.

And I’m still from the Midwest and I’m still proud, but I’m not there anymore. Whenever I meet someone new that is from here, I am reminded that I’m so far from everyone that I love. It was my nephew’s 3rd birthday yesterday and it was the first time I wasn’t invited. Why would I be? I live so far away. But it made me question the decisions I had made in moving away from everyone.

On top of that, Charleston has been hard for me.

I’ve had a difficult time coming to terms here. I thought I’d find the missing piece here, but I haven’t. I’ve always been homesick for a place I’ve never been. I’ve always wanted to put roots down, but maybe that place doesn’t exist. Maybe I’m not meant to be in one place forever. But when I’m 1,200 miles from everyone, my best friend is on the complete opposite coast. It’s hard.

When I want to call my best friend on a bad day, I have to think if she’s even awake or sleeping because there’a 3-hour difference.

Kaitlin will always be my person. She has been since freshman year of college. It’s hard to be away from her, but this is the farthest we’ve ever been. We’ve never been closer. We’re both at a point where our intentionality and genuine friendship makes me miss my best friends.

I miss my best friends, my siblings, my nephews, my parents. I miss the people that made home feel like home. I’m sick of doubting. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel confident. I feel like I’m drowning.

I miss people. I miss people I can’t have anymore. I miss a house that I had made a home. I miss my water temperature, the patio I designed with a garden hose, I miss the things that made me feel like I had home.

I’m trying to make a home here in Charleston, but it’s been really freaking lonely.

This isn’t to complain, but I feel like I’m talking through my head. I probably need to mix in a water, but what kind of big sister would I be if I didn’t talk about my bad days, too?

Loneliness is Real

It doesn’t matter how secure you are, it hits everyone. Life has changed, friends leave, you move across the country. Everyone is lonely. That doesn’t take away from how you’re feeling.

I recently made a friend at church who is also from Wisconsin. Both of us are struggling to feel at home here. It feels like I’m on the gravitron and I’m going to puke. I can’t get off and it’s not fun anymore. I want to go home and my Mom is waiting for me on the bench.

It’s not fun and Charleston isn’t as glamorous. It’s a vacation town. It’s a bunch of highlights that people post. I didn’t consider that I’d be working/eating/sleeping/living here. My vacation ended very quickly when I got here.

Maybe it’s managing expectations, but I’ve been really dwelling on it. Being lonely sucks, but you’re not alone.

Social Media and Highlight Reels

I use social media as a highlight reel for the most part. I don’t want to highlight the bad things always— like eating a burrito and crying on the floor at 2 AM because of a jerk. Loneliness can be lonely when you’re rejected. Whether it’s amicable or you’ve been ghosted— it hurts.

Loneliness comes at it when you don’t want it to.

tl;dr I have bad days, you have bad days, we all have bad days. But there’s always ice cream and good people. Sometimes talking about being lonely helps, too. If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here. I might just be a little grumpy until my A/C comes back on.