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I have been going through some things and I haven’t been in the best headspace. But, I’ve gotten some clarity and I’m ready to talk about things. I typically have a rule in life unless I’m out of that season. It’s personal and my life, but if I’m going through it and don’t have answers— it’s not fair to share it with you.
This is something I’ve gone through my entire life and I’m still learning to process it. I think today is a special exception and I’m trying to be a big sis.
No Love
I’ve been learning how to set boundaries. I’ve always struggled with this. I’m an Enneagram 3 and how people perceive me is important to me. A lot stems from my upbringing and that’s where these boundaries are coming into play.
I was raised by a narcissistic and abusive father. A lot of the abuse is spiritual and that’s hard to process. Growing up, we’d read the Bible and then my Dad would twist it.
There’s a verse in the book of Mark and it’s about love. Someone shared it with me and said it was one that immediately triggered me. The premise of the verse if that God created love. I was raised by someone who would say things along the line of, “God created love. It’s a privilege to love. It’s a privilege to love me. So you need to honor me as your Father because of the 10 Commandments. You’re not respecting me and it’s a privilege to love me. By not honoring that privilege you’re disrespecting God and going to hell.”
And that’s how I’ve always viewed God, religion, and father figures.
I was raised to fear God. There was no love. We’d study the end times and watch 80s movies. I can vividly remember going to sleep at night begging for him to not come back because I was afraid of what would happen.
I look back and I’m sad for the little girl that went through all of that. That’s not religion.
Father’s Love
Fast forward to my late twenties (like right now) and I was sitting in church one Sunday. The pastor talked about feeling the Father’s love and that’s what God feels like. I texted my spiritual mentor and asked what they were talking about. I didn’t understand.
To me, a Father’s love is scary and I should fear it. Why would I relate that to God?
I’m still working through it. I’m still trying to figure out how to not make God scary, but I know that this is the right path for me. Whatever your path is, I hope you’re not afraid of it. No one should be scared of what they believe in.
Sharing My Story
I’m trying to set boundaries with someone who I was raised to believe was superior to me. I can vividly remember my Dad saying, “I can put you on the streets and take everything away from you. You’ll have nothing.”
That’s the “love” I was raised on. He didn’t come to sporting events, recitals, or anything I was involved in. He was busy with his priorities. He had a business that he loved more than us. I’ve moved on from that— it’s the least of my concerns with him.
I have never and will never be enough for him. Anything I do will never be enough to make him proud. I have a hardened heart towards him at times and other times I break down. I shared on Instagram this week that I had set boundaries with him.
And I share my life not because I want pity, but because I want one person to feel a little less alone.
Fear of Abandonment
I’ve always worried that if I shared the truth about my upbringing and the abuse that we occurred—it would mean I was sharing what people were walking into. If I posted who my Dad was, that meant I was like him. We shared the same genetic pool and my friends would realize I was too much. They’d realize that I was just like him and walk away.
And that’s a deeply rooted fear that I face. I was consistently told I’d be left on the streets and left. That voice in my head is fear. It’s people like my Dad and ex-fiance who planted those lies.
After I posted the truth about my family and upbringing, I had lifelong friends reach out and tell me they had no clue I had been through what I had. And you know what? No one walked away. No one abandoned me after I shared my truth.
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